Emmy Blotnick | Standup Comedian & TV Writer

ON A TYPICAL DAY OF WORK…

I begin every morning with a two-week silent breathwork retreat in Playa del Carmen, back by 8:45. I have corset fittings from 9-10, during which I also practice the Neapolitan tradition of tossing pizza dough -- my couturier/pizzaiolo Danilo and I really get each other. On the way home, I like to have at least one howling orgasm (rectally, of course), and then I hang out with a pomegranate. Carlos Santana is a dear friend.

ON AN ACTUAL DAY OF WORK…

I try to get myself to sit down and write something, anything. If I can’t sit still, I’ll walk around jotting down notes. I do stand-up most nights of the week, so as the hour approaches, I get more motivated. I don't know Carlos Santana.

THE TOOLS AND RESOURCES SHE’D RECOMMEND…

Index cards to keep your to-do lists a manageable length, white noise, a good therapist, and Gary Gulman’s writing tips on Twitter (@GaryGulman).

HER IDOLS AND WHERE SHE FINDS INSPIRATION…

I like women who pick their wedgies in public and make that face like, “Ooh, that was a deep one.”

HER ADVICE FOR YOU…

Stuff your phone in the couch cushions.

WORDS TO LIVE BY…

My great aunt Rose used to say, in a Hungarian accent, “Do vhat you vant.” 

ON HER BIGGEST CAREER ACCOMPLISHMENT…

Since I began doing comedy, I have only actually shit in my pants one time, and when I went outside to put my sweatpants in the garbage, I didn’t see anyone I knew.

ON BEING AN ENTREFEMMEUR…

I certainly like the sound of being someone who's forging her own path and not taking any shit along the way, but as I mentioned, I have taken a shit in my pants, so I guess that's my path.

To learn more about Emmy, you can check out her website and follow her on Instagram and Twitter. Cover photo by Mindy Tucker of With Reservation.